I've been in China for nine days; I've been in Ningbo for five. I really don't think I could have written this post before now because I was screwed up.
My first two nights in Shanghai I had my room to myself, which caused me to retreat; I was so crazy jetlagged and I know the cure is to get on local time as soon as possible, but I'm a slave to my circadian rhythms, which are jacked up at the best of times.
It's hard for me to explain depression; when I'm in it, I can't talk about it, and when I'm out of it, I can't describe it. It is 100% pure misery. In addition to my regular garden-variety depression and anxiety, once I got to Ningbo I began waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and then at 5:30 am with the neighborhood construction. I knew I had to reach out to family and friends so I did, but it didn't help; it just reminded me of what I was missing back at home. I was missing everything.
I. Hated. China. I hated my bathroom, my bedroom, my apartment, my life, everything. I had no hot water. My bed was hard. My washing machine didn't work. There was no light in my hallway. I scanned my contract and found out that my only financial liability if I gave notice on October 25 and left on November 25 was the price of the flight home. Never mind the fact that I really could not afford the $800 to fly out, and that there was no job waiting for me at home. No matter, I thought; I would email the district I had been subbing for and beg for my job back. Subbing every day meant that I would have to take jobs in elementary schools, but I'd do it. I could be home by Thanksgiving.
Slowly (it felt slow, anyway), pieces fell into place. I passed my health exam; I got a Chinese cell phone after standing in a million-year-long line in an un-air-conditioned China Mobile store and finding out that my phone is locked and can't use a Chinese SIM card (honestly, I was relieved; I specifically purchased an international texting plan from AT&T and did not want to fool around with swapping SIM cards out). I got a bank account (though I still have not been paid the first time on the Chinese side, grrr). School started, which was the biggest factor in yanking me out of my depression. I need structure, though it's something I didn't recognize about myself until a few years ago; I would love to not work a summer job, but I can't have two and a half months where nothing is required of me. Apparently I can't even handle a few days of it, if those few days are in a foreign country. For some reason, getting a blanket at IKEA lifted my mood;
School started. Thank god, school started. If I ever doubted that teaching is the right profession for me, the turnaround in my mental state sealed the deal. It was instantaneous. I realized that earplugs and a white noise app on my phone could keep me asleep until 6 am. The fact that my shower head broke and I'm currently cleaning myself with an out-of-control garden hose is a minor annoyance rather than cause for racing home. It will get fixed; it may take a while, but it will get fixed. My bed is hard; I can still sleep.
I have friends. I have food. I have a bed. I have a job. That ain't nothing. I'm not saying this next 10 months won't be hard; if you know me, you know I will have my moments. But I think I've made it through the darkness here. And thank you all for that.
