Okay.

Today was a big day.  My iPad loaded with my textbooks showed up via FedEx and I received the final set of papers I'll need to fill out for my Chinese visa.  The best part of the day was meeting up with a friend and mentor who used to be my Shakespeare professor.  Our paths rarely cross, but I'm glad we were both able to make time.  We have similar philosophies and temperaments and the conversation always flows easily.  He mentioned that I was calm about leaving, and I realized he was right.  I keep waiting to freak out (as is my wont), but it's not happening.  One day at the end of the school year when I realized that my last employer had found a replacement for me, I had a moment, but that was really more about "What happens if China doesn't pan out?" rather than "What if I've made the wrong choice?"  I keep assuming that I'm in shock and still don't really realize I'm going, but I've had several reality checks.

Today I felt depressed about the whole thing.  I have six and a half weeks left before I leave and I feel like I've reached the center of the seesaw and am balancing in the middle, wiggling.  At the six-week point I'll tip and go barreling down the other side.  Before I know it, I'll be on the plane, gone.

I'm still calm, I'm just calmly uneasy.  I'm not freaking out like I typically do, and I don't know what to make of that.  I feel like a little kid who's fallen off her bike and is lying on the ground, slowly testing out each limb, touching my torso to see if any major organs have ruptured.  Am I okay? I think I am.  I think I'm okay.